Reflecting and Resolving: A Year-Round Journey

As we close the book on 2023, it's almost instinctive for a lot of us to start scribbling down a list of New Year's resolutions. The tradition is said to have been started by ancient Babylonians nearly 4,000 years ago. It’s kind of like a rite of passage into the new year: to make a bunch of promises for self-improvement and change. Yet, call me an anti-establishment contrarian, but I wonder: why should we wait for a specific date to start making positive changes in our lives?

The concept of New Year's resolutions, while well-intentioned, often comes with an unspoken rule: that self-improvement is a once-a-year event. This perspective is not only limiting, but also somewhat unrealistic. Life is continuous, and so should be our growth, and so I think it’s worth breaking the calendar's chains and embracing personal development as a daily process, not just a yearly ritual.

Typically, resolutions revolve around health, finances, relationships, and personal development. Whether it's hitting the gym, saving money, or learning a new skill, these goals share a common theme of bettering ourselves. However, by mid-February, 80% of all resolutions have been surrendered, a statistic that might surprise even the biggest of New Year’s resolution skeptics. In this end of the year blog post, I’ll briefly explain why that’s the case, and offer some strategies for how to increase the likelihood of adhering to resolutions, regardless of the time of year we make them.

There are a few psychological and practical reasons why the gym parking lot is 40% less crowded on February 10th than it was on January 2nd. First, many resolutions are based on lofty, ambitious goals without a realistic plan or concretely articulated steps. This approach can lead to early burnout or feeling overwhelmed, as the distance between the current state and the idealized goal seems insurmountable. Additionally, these resolutions are often framed in absolutes, such as "I will not eat junk food" or "I will exercise daily," which leaves little room for the natural ebb and flow of motivation and life circumstances. When inevitable slips occur, people may feel a sense of failure and abandon their resolutions altogether.

Another key factor is the timing of New Year's resolutions. They coincide with the post-holiday period, a time when many people experience a drop in mood and energy levels. This can make the initiation of new, challenging behaviors particularly difficult. Moreover, resolutions are often externally motivated; inspired by societal pressures or comparisons rather than internal desires or readiness for change. This lack of intrinsic motivation can lead to a lower commitment level and a higher likelihood of giving up when faced with obstacles. Finally, the "fresh start effect" of the new year may create an initial surge of enthusiasm that fades quickly as the routine of daily life resumes, leading to a gradual abandonment of the newly set goals.

The likelihood of sticking with resolutions hinges upon several factors: setting realistic, feasible goals; breaking those goals down into smaller, more manageable steps; identifying specific, appointed times you’re going to engage those steps; implementing concrete measures to track progress; and, finally, building in some degree of flexibility, as well as accountability throughout the process. This adaptability allows for the natural fluctuations of motivation, as our circumstances and levels of enthusiasm can change. It also acknowledges that life's unpredictable nature sometimes requires a shift in plans or timelines. What's vital is the ability to recalibrate one's efforts and continue moving forward.

To reinforce accountability, it can be effective to share your intentions with others or to set up a system of regular check-ins with a friend or mentor. This introduces a social component to the commitment, which can be a powerful motivator. Also, on the PDF page under the resource tab, I’ve shared a task log I developed as a tool that I use for monitoring progress towards goals by breaking them down into smaller objectives. Additionally, recognizing and celebrating small victories can provide a sense of achievement and bolster our determination. This positive reinforcement helps to sustain momentum over the longer term.

Moreover, integrating your resolutions into your daily routine can convert them from abstract ideas into concrete actions. By doing so, these actions become habits, ingrained in your daily life, which is the ultimate goal of any resolution. When a habit is formed, the need for constant self-discipline diminishes, as the behavior becomes a standard part of your day. It's through these incremental changes that profound transformation can occur, leading to the fulfillment of personal and professional aspirations.

Remember, the process of self-improvement is continuous and evolving. It doesn't start on January 1st and doesn't end on December 31st. Each day is a chance to make a change, to learn something new, and to grow a little. So, as we welcome 2024, let’s embrace the process, ready to evolve not just at the turn of the year, but every single day.

Happy New Year.

Emotional Alchemy: Transforming Feelings into Facts

A fundamental idea in cognitive psychology is that our feelings are largely, even mostly, a byproduct of what we’re thinking. It’s a pretty straightforward idea, and one that you can prove with relative ease when you just consider that two people can experience the same event and have vastly different emotional responses to that event. For example, imagine your boss at work, or a teacher, was critical of some project you’d worked on. One thought could be “they only point out mistakes, I can’t do anything right in their eyes.” The emotional response to that would be quite different than if you had the thought, “I appreciate the honest feedback, and now I know what I can improve on to do better next time.” In the first case, you’d probably feel pretty hopeless and unmotivated, whereas in the second, perhaps determined and optimistic. It's for this reason that I so emphasize to clients the importance of being acutely aware of what it is that we’re telling ourselves through our thoughts, and to be truly mindful of any ways in which our automatic thoughts may not be giving us a clear understanding of what is actually happening. After all, if therapy is about minimizing emotional suffering, a good place to start is probably eliminating unnecessary suffering.

Almost 2000 years ago, Seneca, a Stoic philosopher, wrote that “we suffer more in our imagination than in reality.” It’s for this reason that the central focus of good therapy is instilling awareness of how our imagination skews reality, and our emotional experience of “reality.”  Obviously, the goal is not to convince anyone suffering from anxiety, or any other psychological ailment, that they’re delusional and that everything they worry about is in their mind, but rather to learn to separate the wheat from the chaff. Under the resource tab on this website, you can now find PDF worksheets. Over time, I’m going to expand the number of accessible documents on this page; but, for now, you’ll find a document labeled “Cognitive Distortions.” As the term would suggest, cognitive distortions are inaccurate or even prejudiced ways that we perceive information. If you go through the list, I’m certain that you’ll recognize a tendency in yourself towards several of them. However, I find that emotional reasoning stands out for its unique ability to color our perception of reality, not just at an individual level, but also within groups, influencing collective decisions and behaviors.

Emotional reasoning is a psychological phenomenon where feelings are mistaken for facts. The central rule of emotional reasoning, in the most simplistic terms, is “if I feel it, then it is true.” For instance, feeling anxious about a presentation might lead us to believe that it will certainly go poorly, despite evidence of our preparation and past successes. This distortion can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where our beliefs, fueled by emotions, start shaping our reality.

Further, when a collective operates under emotional reasoning, decisions are swayed more by the prevailing emotional currents than by objective analysis or facts. Emotional reasoning can significantly impact social dynamics and movements. For instance, a group's collective anger or fear can amplify a narrative, irrespective of its factual accuracy, potentially leading to polarized views or even social unrest. I’m sure we can all think of examples of this from the past few years, regardless of where we may stand politically or socially.

Additionally, within families, emotional reasoning can lead to conflict or dysfunctional patterns. If one member's anxiety or anger becomes the emotional baseline, it can dictate the family's decisions and interactions, often ignoring practical or logical considerations. If a family member consistently allows their emotions to guide their reasoning, it can set a precedent for the entire household. For instance, if a parent makes a decision based on their anxiety or anger, it might lead to choices that prioritize these feelings over virtually everything else, including the opinion of other family members. This can create a pattern where emotional responses are given more weight than rational discussion, leading to a family dynamic that's reactive rather than proactive. When decisions are made from a place of heightened emotion rather than thoughtful deliberation, it can result in ongoing conflict and inhibit the family's ability to function effectively. Over time, this can erode trust and communication, as family members may feel their needs and perspectives are overshadowed or invalidated by the dominant emotional climate within the household.

Whether on the individual, familial, or social level, mitigating the effects of this brand of distortion is central to a more objective view of reality and to rational decision making. The first step towards that process, as is always the case when attempting to reduce what ails us, is simply becoming aware of it. Too often, we accept our thoughts at face value, and don’t go about the rigors of observing and challenging them. Being aware of one's emotional state and recognizing its influence on thoughts gives us the opportunity to rebalance our perspective, and proceed from there. On the PDF page of this website, you can also find a document labeled, “Distortion Record.” On that document, you’re asked to identify what specific thoughts are manufacturing your current feeling state; identify the type of cognitive distortion; and then consciously produce a more balanced and objective set of thoughts. The exercise may seem overly simplistic, but give it a try for a week and I think you’ll notice a shift in your thinking process. Nevertheless, critically examining the evidence supporting our beliefs and decisions helps in distinguishing between emotion-driven and fact-based reasoning.

In groups, fostering an environment where diverse perspectives are welcomed can counterbalance the sway of emotional reasoning. Encouraging members to voice different viewpoints, without the threat of being silenced or shouted down, and examining issues from multiple angles can lead to more balanced decisions. Further, cultivating emotional intelligence within groups and individuals aids in recognizing and managing emotions constructively. This includes empathy, which can help us understand and moderate the emotional undercurrents in group dynamics.

In conclusion, emotional reasoning is a powerful force that can shape our perceptions and decisions, extending its influence beyond individuals to groups and communities. By becoming aware of its presence and actively working to counteract its effects through mindfulness, open dialogue, critical thinking, and emotional intelligence, we can navigate our emotional landscapes more effectively. This leads to more reasoned and balanced decision-making, both in our personal lives and in all of the many collective spheres we are part of.