...If You Just Smile...

Charlie Chaplin was ahead of his time when he wrote “Smile” in 1936. Most of us know the song best as recorded by the late, great Tony Bennett, but unless Chaplin had a side gig as a neuropsychologist pre-World War II, I’m guessing he just had some insight that neuroscience would later confirm.

 “Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you…”
 

At the risk of sounding overly simplistic, I’ve been emphasizing the impact and importance of smiling for a long time now. We think of the relationship between emotions and the physical expression of emotion as a one-way street: if I’m sad, I cry; if I’m angry, I furrow my brow; and, if I’m happy, I smile. We think of this as a unidirectional, if/then kind of process. But it seems that all the research tells us that there is a reciprocal relationship between our feelings, and their physical manifestations, and choosing to present with an expression that isn’t congruent with our feeling state can enable us to change that feeling.

Smiling, as basic as it seems, actually involves some intricate processes of our physiology and neurobiology. I won’t bore you with all the details and bio terms like zygomaticus major and anterior cingulate cortex, but the typical process involves a part of our brain registering that something positive is happening, and this triggers the release of certain neurotransmitters like dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin: the “feel good” chemicals in our brain. These chemicals not only elevate our mood, but also prompt the facial muscles to contract, leading to a smile. Things start to get really interesting when this kicks off a feedback loop: when facial muscles are activated during a smile, the brain recognizes this activity and often releases even more of those feel good chemicals just mentioned. Think of this as a “mood hack,” that just the act of smiling, even if initially forced, can elevate our mood.

There are other feedback loops that smiling in a social situation can create. Humans are social animals, and smiles play an essential role in our social interactions. When we see someone else smile, what are called our mirror neurons – cells in the brain that allow us to empathize with others – are activated. This is why smiles are contagious. This mirroring mechanism reinforces social bonds and helps in group cohesiveness, which in turn further stimulates the release of those feel good chemicals in our brain.

One big caveat to all of this, that I am certainly not naïve to, is the fact that there are times in life when all seems so bleak that no amount of Charlie Chaplin/Tony Bennett wisdom could be sufficient to compel you to activate your zygomaticus major and muster up a smile. God knows there have been moments in my own life when the furthest thing from my mind was triggering a neurotransmitter loaded feedback loop. There are a variety of methods and techniques better tailored to when you’re feeling at your lowest. I’m going to write about some of them on this blog, but I also can’t emphasize enough the value and importance of having a trained professional with whom you can consult when you’re in the depths of it. Yet, when we’re not gripped with despair, but maybe also not our most enthusiastic or optimistic, an intentional upward curve of our mouth can prove to have a noticeable effect on our mood, and it may also activate a few mirror neurons in someone you happen to be smiling at.

If you just smile.

 

 

 

Essential Ground Rules for Constructive Conflict: A Guide for Couples

Conflict is inevitable in intimate relationships. Two individuals, no matter how aligned, will occasionally encounter differing opinions, feelings, and approaches. However, it's not the existence of conflict that challenges relationships; it's how the couple chooses to handle it. To ensure that disagreements act as catalysts for growth rather than sources of division, consider these five ground rules when engaging a disagreement with your partner.

 

1.     No Name Calling

Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Resorting to name-calling instantly devalues the other person's feelings and thoughts. Such behavior not only hurts your partner, but also diminishes the value of your argument. Stick to discussing the issue at hand rather than attacking the person.

 

2.     No Demeaning Statements

Much like name-calling, demeaning comments can cause lasting damage. Whether it's mocking, belittling, or dismissing the other person's feelings, these behaviors will make productive conversation impossible. It's okay to disagree, but devaluing each other's perspectives can create considerably more harm than the mere object of your disagreement.

 

3.     No Verbal or Physical Threatening

Safety is paramount in any relationship. Threats, whether they are verbal or physical, create an environment of fear and mistrust. Doubts about the solvency of a relationship, should they arise, need to be calmly and rationally considered in earnest; but we should never threaten the termination of a relationship amid a disagreement, or violence under any circumstance. If a discussion begins to escalate towards threats, it's crucial to take a step back and consider seeking professional guidance. Relationships thrive on security, not fear.

 

4.     No Bringing in Families

Our families often play a significant role in our lives, but they shouldn't be ammunition in an argument. It's essential to respect boundaries and keep the argument between the two individuals involved. Dragging families into the mix only complicates the issue and introduces new layers of potential resentment.

 

5.     No Bringing Up the Past

Each argument should focus on the present issue. When past mistakes or events are dragged into the current disagreement, it distracts from finding a resolution to what’s at hand. It can also create a "score-keeping" mentality, where partners recall past mistakes not to find a solution, but to wound or gain an upper hand. Stay in the present, and address what's relevant now.

 

Arguments, when approached constructively, can be an avenue for understanding and growth. They are also an opportunity to reflect our true values: do we value being “right,” or maintaining a respectful, healthy, and harmonious relationship? By adhering to these five relatively simple rules, couples can ensure that their disagreements remain respectful, focused, and conducive to a stronger bond. If you and your partner struggle to maintain these boundaries, consider seeking guidance from a professional. They can offer tools, strategies, and insights to help transform conflict into opportunities for deeper connection.